One of the top ten rules for surviving a horror movie is to leave if a house tells you to. Somehow, I missed that warning.
I’m am in Year 6 of a battle with my house. I recently told my eldest child that I was in a fight with the house, and declared that this was a fight I intend to win. She laughed and said, “Rule Number One: The House Always Wins.”
She might be right.
There were signs early on that this would be a tough fight. I dug up a mountain of broken dishes in the yard. I fished a 3-foot long piece of chrome out of a vent pipe. Currently, I’m trying to clear a blockage in the pipe behind the bathroom sink.
The day I went to closing, my real estate agent and I looked a kitchen with a new refrigerator. After closing, when I returned to the house, there was a refrigerator with a huge hole in the bottom. That was a sign.
I had a home warranty, but it proved pointless when I called a repairman to look at the refrigerator. He fixed it with duct tape, and charged me $100. I bought a new refrigerator and cancelled the contract.
These are not big repairs, just annoying ones. The ones that get fixed quickly and for free when you live in an appartment.
I need to go to Home Depot because I’d like to have the choice between a shower or a bath. Currently, either way you get both.
I just opened the back door with a hammer because I’m tired of it sticking.
There are weeds in the yard that are not indigenous to the United States.
I’m pretty sure the water heater was installed the year I started Head Start.
Remember when Richard Pryor shot his car? Yeah, that’s just how I feel. Only, I’d use a grenade launcher.
I’m not trying to discourage anyone from taking on an old house. Actually, my house isn’t even that old. It was built in the 1950s. I think it was previously occupied by a family of wild animals. The two-legged ones. The kind who shove 3-foot pieces of chrome into a vent pipe.
Nevertheless, I’m determined to beat and tame this house into submission. Show it who’s boss. I own it.
It better hope they never legalize grenade launchers in DC.
